Subway Stops Attempting To Sell Pork In Jewish And Muslim Communities.

In recent years Subway has been attempting to sell Pork products in Jewish And Muslim communities. Subway has near 2000 stores in the whole of the UK but in Manchester they have decided to stop selling pork in 18 of their stores. This has caused mixed reactions throughout the UK.

Subway Speaks Out.

We contacted Subway to see what they had to say about this, Mark James, head of communications said,

“To be honest mate, I don’t know why we haven’t done this earlier, we’ve been wasting loads of food. Whoever dreamt up this policy of trying to sell pork to Muslims and Jews can’t have attended the same business class as me. It’s common sense. As for the accusation that we’ve been forced to make this decision by a certain religious lobby, well, our customers are entitled to believe whatever they want, but from a financial perspective why should we stock food in our stores that in some just does not sell? Of course in our stores where pork does sell we will stock it. It’s common sense.”

We contacted Alan Griffin of the “common sense coalition”, he disagreed, he stated;

“This is an attack on British peoples rights. They’re gona stop trying to sell pork to Muslims and Jews? What next? No beef for Hindus? This is England mate, have you forgot? We’re so outraged by this decision at the common sense coalition that we’re going to set up pork stalls in every community that is affected by this. We also have a plan to alleviate Israel of something that has troubled them for many years. We’re planning to open the first Nazi Memorabilia shop in Tel Aviv . There’s a gap in the market and we’re going to take advantage of that, we’ll make a fortune.”

The Reaction On The Street. 

We took the liberty of speaking to people in streets over a hundred miles away from any community affected by Subways decision to see what they had to say.

Janet Loudage had this to say,

“I don’t care if pork is just not selling in some stores, I want every store in the world to stock up on Pork, because if it does not, then If I just so happen to be in an area that I fancy a pork sandwich and there is none stocked by Subway, then MY RIGHTS have been affected. I don’t care if private companies will be making a loss if they adopt this approach, because the entire business community revolves around me. This just is not right.”

Andrew Smith community relation’s editor for the Daily Fail had this to say,

“Yeah right, it’s true eh, less than 1/10 of subway stores catering for their customers means that I’m becoming a foreigner in OUR land of ENGLAND. Saudi Arabia would not stand for this kind of action from Subway at all, so why should we? I thought this was meant to be a multicultural country, yet we have Muslim and Jewish communities? What’s that all about?”

A prominent leader of the EDL has this to say,

“I’m so pissed off that Subway, a private company has decided to stop serving a product in an area that I will never go to, where it is just not selling, a company I hardly use anyway, hundreds of miles away, they have taken something away from me, this is Muslims having a huge impact on MY life in OUR land of freedom.”

The rage continues.

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Royal Economy Boost: No Woman Ever Spent Money In Topshop Before Kate Did.

In an astonishing new discovery it has been reported that Kate copycats are responsible for pumping more than £1billion into the British economy.

According to The Sun, women are spending up to £250 each in a bid to look like the Duchess.

When contacted the Royal household has confirmed that this is true, Tarquin Fauntleroy, special advisor confirms;

“It’s simply remarkable. I’ve served this house since 1984 and never in my long years have I seen a boost with so much dignity, the remarkable thing is, this suggests that no woman in the country ever bought a single thing from Topshop before her royal highness.”

Kate was contacted but refused to comment, instead royal correspondent for the BBC James Bond conformed;

“Kate is delighted to hear the news that her fashion sense is so popular, so common, yet completely regal. She’s never been into high fashion. She’s one of the girls”.

We took the liberty of contacting a republican economist for the sake of balance, Professor Patrick Ross, has said;

“Basically this article is taking credit for the work of fashion designers and assuming that every woman on the Island has no brain of their own. It is complete nonsense to suggest that “just because” Kate wears something, every other woman who buys that item also does. Perhaps Kate just has good advisors. I mean it’s not like she picks her clothes herself. And to suggest that every woman in the UK spends £250 just because of her existence is one of the most ridiculous claims i’ve ever heard. Just think about that for one second. Its ridiculous. To suggest that no women in Britain has ever spent their money in Topshop before Kate is a new level of stupidity. Could it not be the case that Kates fashion advisors are just in fact following trends themselves? In an attempt to keep a certain image?”

The Royal household in response to professor Ross said;

“We have no idea what he is talking about, statistics? Reason? Logic? Evidence? Tax? Bah, he’s boring. Look, the simple answer is; Kate is great. Deal with it.”

We contacted Topshop, they refused to comment, passed our query to their office in London who then refused to comment and passed our query to their office in Monaco. Their office in Monaco put us on hold, then returned us to the person we were speaking to originally, they said;  “Topshop has nothing to declare, especially about tax. We are confused as to what boost you are talking about”.